SCENE 1: THE GARAGE — AFTERNOON 2
THE WOLF: “I understand you have a body in the garage. Take me to it.”
Roxanne stands back as The Wolf examines the scene. He studies the body in silence, looking around, circling it.
THE WOLF: “Roxanne?”
ROXANNE: “Yes.”
THE WOLF: “Do me a favor, will you? I thought I smelled some coffee. Could you make me a cup?”
ROXANNE: “Sure, how do you take it?”
THE WOLF: “Lotsa cream, lotsa sugar.”
Roxanne exits. The Wolf continues to examine the scene. Roxanne returns and hands The Wolf a cup of coffee.
THE WOLF: “Thank you, Roxanne.”
He takes a sip, paces, and then lays out the plan.
THE WOLF: “Okay, I’ll need newspapers, plastic bags, a sharp knife, and ice. This looks like a domesticated house. That leads me to believe you have a bunch of cleaners and shit like that under the sink. Am I correct?”
ROXANNE: “Yes. Exactly. Under the sink.”
THE WOLF: “Good. When I take the body into the kitchen, I need you to clean the garage floor. It doesn’t need to be spic and span, you don’t need to eat off it. Just give it a good once over.”
ROXANNE: “A ‘please’ would be nice.”
The Wolf stops and turns around.
THE WOLF: “Come again?”
ROXANNE: “I said a ‘please’ would be nice.”
THE WOLF: “Let’s set this straight, mam. I’m not here to say ‘please.’ I’m here to clean, and you’re here to clean. I’m here to help. If my help’s not appreciated, lots of luck, mam.”
ROXANNE: “It’s not that way, Mr. Wolf. I definitely appreciate your help.”
THE WOLF: “I understand the departed has been dead since yesterday morning, is that correct?”
ROXANNE: “Yes. Well, they shook and twitched for a while before dying, but I’m not sure how long that took. I couldn’t watch.”
THE WOLF: “Okay. If I’m curt with you, it’s because time is a factor. I think fast, talk fast, and need you to act fast if you want me to help. So, if it makes you feel better, then pretty please, with sugar on top.”
SCENE 2: THE LAKE — MORNING 1
CONNOR: “Are you guys sure you want to use fly rods? Why don’t we use spin gear until we get some fish in the boat, then switch to fly fishing after that if you want?”
TIM: “I’d prefer to fly fish.”
JOHN: “I can start with gear, but I’ll switch to flies at some point, too.”
The smallmouth bass have staged off dropoffs, where—preparing for their upcoming spawn—they murder and devour unsuspecting alewives, smelt, and sculpins. An overzealous one inhales Tim’s Murdich Minnow on his first cast.
CONNOR: “Seriously? You got one?”
TIM: “Yep.”
The bass fights as though in a life-and-death duel, unaware its pursuer intends for neither of them to die. Ironically, the fish gets neither gratitude nor joy from this thing the anglers regard as a path to a more grateful and joyful life.
JOHN: “Well, then, a Murdich Minnow it is.”
John dispatches his streamer tight to a boulder and soon feels the pull.
CONNOR: “You have a fish on too, John?”
JOHN: “Yes.”
For the rest of the day, John and Tim cast their flies at shoreline drops, open-water shoals, and fallen trees, taking advantage of the smallmouths’ instinctual urge to maraud, maim, and murder.
SCENE 3: THE DINNER — EVENING 1
Tim sits at a table with five other people, one of which is The Wolf. They’re eating dinner on the first evening of the Michigan Outdoor Writer’s Association conference in Baraga, Michigan.
TIM: “What do you all have planned for tomorrow?”
Two people announce plans to fish Lake Superior, and another pair say they’ll hike on the Keweenaw peninsula.
THE WOLF: “I don’t have a plan yet. I’ll probably look for a remote lake where I can be alone.”
Tim receives a text and photo from his wife, Roxanne.
TIM: “Oh no! My wife says we have a problem.”
THE WOLF: “What do you mean?”
Tim hands The Wolf the phone.
THE WOLF: “Hmm. That’s a problem, alright. Is she the hysterical type?”
TIM: “Not really.”
THE WOLF: “Someone needs to take care of that.”
TIM: “I don’t have experience with this sort of thing. Plus, I’m scheduled to fish for trout tomorrow. Maybe you could help?”
The Wolf stares into and through Tim’s eyes, unamused by his callowness.
SCENE 4: THE PARKING LOT — MORNING 2
THE WOLF: “Do you plan to fish with dry flies today?”
TIM: “No. Beginning next weekend, I’ll have nothing but a dry fly on my line for nearly two weeks, so I’m using a big streamer. I hope the fish will be feisty.”
THE WOLF: “They will. At their core, trout are cold-blooded assassins. Nothing more, nothing less.”
TIM: “That’s a scary way to look at it.”
THE WOLF: “If my observations frighten you, you shouldn’t broach these topics.”
Both men stand in awkward silence.
TIM: “Where do you plan to go today?”
THE WOLF: “I don’t know for sure, and I couldn’t tell you if I did.”
SCENE 5: THE RIVER — MID-MORNING 2
One brook, one rainbow, and one brown trout assail Tim’s streamer during the morning, dispelling the fantasies poets preach about their innocence and purity.
Tim’s phone rings.
THE WOLF: “I’ve decided to go to your house and take care of the problem.”
TIM: “Uh, okay.”
THE WOLF: “Your wife’s name is Roxanne, right?”
TIM: “Yes.”
THE WOLF: “Text me your address and tell her I’m coming.”
Tim calls Roxanne.
TIM: “Hey, I showed your text and photo to the people at my table last night. One of them said he could help you take care of it.”
ROXANNE: “What?”
TIM: “It should be fine. He’s an expert on this sort of thing and even edits a magazine about it.”
ROXANNE: “There’s a magazine about this?”
TIM: “Yes. Anyway, he should be there in about an hour. He goes by The Wolf.”
ROXANNE: “Uh, okay, I guess.”
SCENE 6: THE DRIVEWAY — MID-AFTERNOON 2
THE WOLF: “Let’s get a picture before we start.”
ROXANNE: “What?”
THE WOLF: “Stand close to me. I’ll take a selfie.”
ROXANNE: “Are you sure?”
THE WOLF: “You’ll have to get closer for me to get us all in the picture. I don’t bite.”
SCENE 7: THE KITCHEN — MID-AFTERNOON 2
THE WOLF: “Spread some newspapers on the floor.”
ROXANNE: “Okay.”
THE WOLF: “Now, put your feet on both sides of the body, grasp each foot firmly in your hands, and pull the legs up and away from the body.”
ROXANNE: “No way. I’m not doing this.”
THE WOLF: “I didn’t think so. Just wanted to give you a chance.”
The Wolf does the job he came to do, disposes of the head and entrails, then wraps the rest of the body in newspaper.
SCENE 8: THE KITCHEN — EVENING 3
ROXANNE: “The Wolf put what’s left of the body in our freezer. He said you could use it to tie flies.”
TIM: “Cool.”
ROXANNE: “No. Not cool.”
TIM: “Where’d he put the breasts?”
ROXANNE: “I think there was only one. It’s in the refrigerator with some marinade he bought on his way here. He said he couldn’t find his favorite, but this one should be good. He’s a real nice guy, you know. I like him.”
TIM: “Well, let’s get to cooking this thing.”
THE END
Special Thanks (in order of appearance)
THE WOLF — Tom Carney, editor, The Upland Almanac
ROXANNE — Roxanne Schulz, tolerant and long-suffering wife
CONNOR — Connor Baccus, Connor Baccus Guide Service
JOHN — John Cleveland, Fly Fishing Instructor and Freelance Outdoor Writer
2 Comments
Kyle Crusen · June 21, 2024 at 8:52 pm
I thought this was great! I dont have a detailed breakdown of the highs and lows or some kind of insightful critique. But what I can say, simply as a reader who enjoys a good story, is that..this…was….great. I hope you take that as the compliment I intended. I really I enjoy your writing. I saw, I clicked, I read, and I chuckled because this was a short, fun story. Amazing job!
Bob DeMott · June 22, 2024 at 12:55 am
Pulp Grouse: the True Story!
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