Nick Kishomi/Beneath the Surface
ITHACA, NY—In a discovery that has stunned anglers and amateur philosophers alike, scientists at Cornell University’s Laboratory for the Analysis of Metaphorical Exaggeration (LAME) have determined that fly fishing possesses no deeper meaning beyond simply catching fish.
“The river as time, catch and release as a metaphor for rebirth and second chances, and the myriad of similes dreamers and poets have associated with casting a fly rod have no connection to reality,” lead researcher Dr. Harriet Mullins told the audience of reporters. “It’s a wonderful way to spend a day, but it doesn’t go further than that.”
“After using state-of-the-art descriptive and cognitive AI to analyze thousands of vaguely poetic Instagram captions about wading and casting, we can definitively conclude that fly fishing is just that—fishing,” Dr. Mullins said. “Our AI classified over 18,000 uses of the phrase ‘time slows down’ as metaphorically empty. The time did not, in fact, slow down.”
Regarding other standout slogans analyzed by the research team, one caption read, “Every cast is a prayer whispered to the gods of water and time.” The team reported that their algorithm rated that one a 9.7 on the 10-point Metaphorical Overreach Index (MOI).
“We originally hypothesized something about ‘patience and perseverance’ being a grand reflection of the human journey, but apparently, it’s just a rod, a line, and some feathers tied on a hook. Not that there’s anything wrong with that.”
Dr. Mullins and her colleagues released their conclusions in a preprint of a paper submitted to the Proceedings of the National Academy of Sciences. The paper is titled “A fine kettle of fish stories,” as a nod to Ed Zern, a man the authors claim to be a giant on whose shoulders they stand. A part of the study involved a multi-year survey of seasoned and novice fly anglers, prompting them to share life lessons they had learned from their time on the water. Researchers received insights and observations ranging from “Sometimes you beat the fish, sometimes the fish beats you” to “My waders leak, and that’s life, I guess,” but none rose above the standard clichés.
“This blows the lid off centuries of mystical chatter about the soul of fly fishing,” said University of Leeds cultural anthropologist Dr. Gabriel Faust. “Turns out, the fish don’t symbolize one’s hopes and dreams. They’re actually trout. Just trout. And from their perspective, fly fishing is far from a contemplative way to view life. For them, it’s quite annoying, really.”
Enraged anglers have decried the findings, insisting that casting a dry fly is exactly like navigating the delicate dance of heartbreak, hope, and redemption. However, the team’s rigorous double-blind trials disproved any correlation between a terrific pastime and the answers to life’s mysteries. “We saw no increase in self-actualization,” Dr. Mullins added. “In fact, our research found an inverse correlation between forced metaphors and similes and a deeper understanding of life.”
When asked what she would say to anglers who believe fly fishing helped them better understand the human condition, Dr. Mullins said, “It’s okay. Really. It’s just fishing, and that should be enough.”
